Favourite Quotes

I got to the end of year four in A Wonderful Life and I...I just can't do it, guys. I can't play a game this bad. The system actively works against you and tries to present you with a neat farming mechanic but then trips and drops a barf all over itself and WHY DOES THE GOAT ONLY GIVE MILK FOR ONE YEAR IF YOU CAN'T BREED OR SELL IT AND THEN IT SITS AROUND PRODUCING NOTHING AND YOUR ONLY OPTIONS ARE TO LET IT TAKE UP VALUABLE BARN SPACE OR MURDER IT I MURDERED THE GOAT ITS BLOOD IS ON MY HANDS

-Awkward Zombie

"Chinua Achebe looks like James Earl Jones mixed with Urkel."

-Friend of mine

"And the Shadow fell upon the Land, and the World was riven stone from stone. The oceans fled, and the mountains were swallowed up, and the nations were scattered to the eight corners of the World. The moon was as blood, and the sun was as ashes. The seas boiled, and the living envied the dead. All was shattered, and all but memory lost, and one memory above all others, of him who brought the Shadow and the Breaking of the World. And him they named Dragon."
- Part of the prologue to The Eye of the World, first book in the Wheel of Time series. You know a story's going to be epic if this is how it starts off.

I'm going All-in just like I did with your mom last night! Turns out she's a really good poker player.

-Clap-trap

Neil Patrick Harris (born June 15, 1973) is an American actor, singer, director, producer and magician.

-Wikipedia

"I guess I'm not a virgin anymore.

Because I just snuggled kittens with that AP Stats exam."

A friend of mine, who has somehow found a way to sexually assault examinations.

I mean, I made the AP Psych exam my bitch, but that was conensual.

I'm a Lucky Chaton with those two tests, with stats on the bottom.

"Can you fix my abacus?"

"Um, does Isosceles get triangle royalties?"

-Hercules

Bob Schofield

So, me and Sarcasmic were playing some Left 4 Dead today. I played Bill while he played Francis. To make it easier to quote, SO is me and SA is Sarcasmic

SO: I shot that zombie lady in the vagina. Now she can't have babies
SA: Oh god, zombie babies...

SA: I'm gonna beat all of these zombies to death with my propane!
SO: You sell propane and propane accessories?
SA: DANG IT BOBBEH

SA: I'd let that Hunter pounce on me, if you know what I mean

SO: Oh, look, a completely empty and silent bridge. Absolutely nothing bad will happen now.
SA: Hey, look, it's the safehouse.
SO: Oh.

SO: Sarcasmic. Hey, Sarcasmic.
SA: What?
SO: I noticed something, when we were fighting...
SA: What did you notice?
SO: Zombies
SA: Goddamnit

SO: Hey! There's soup here in the safehouse!
SA: What? Really?
SO: Yeah, look! Right there!
SA: Awww yeah *crouches down on the pot* Warming my balls on the soup

*me and Sarcasmic heal up as Zoey is in the red*
SO: Yeah, screw you, Zoey!
SA: We need it a lot more than you
SO: Bros before hoes.
*a small while later*
SO: No, actually, we need to keep Zoey. We need to think about repopulation
SA: Awww yeah

SO: Wait, hang on, can women get pregnant, like, moments after they die?
SA: Yes. That's how it works.

SA: I'm running away!
SO: What?! NO! We need to keep together!
*Our entire group dies*
SO: THIS IS YOUR FAULT.

SO: Damnit, you keep shooting me, stop shooting me.
SA: It's not my fault! My bullets are attracted by your face!
SO: Well, it's true that I have a sexy face...

SO: EVEN WHEN WE'RE DYING, YOU STILL SHOOT ME.

SO: Hey, look! There's a doll! Let's stay here forever
SA: *shoots the doll with his pistol, and it breaks*
SO: Awww...
SA: I hate dolls.

*we die because Zoey didn't follow us and we got mauled when we tried to save her*
SO: DAMNIT, ZOEY.
*we respawn*
SA: We can kill her, right now. Let's kill her. We have guns. We can do it.
SO: Dude, no! She has the vagina!
SA: SCREW HER VAGINA
SO: I DON'T WANT TO HAVE GAY SEX

*I shoot Sarcasmic by accident. Francis whines at Bill*
SA: Yeah, man, be careful.
SO: ...says the guy who was shooting at me since the beginning of this game.

SO: Hey, which gun should I take?
SA: The one you didn't take last time

*a Tank kills Sarcasmic moments before the rescue arrives*
SO: Aw, man. That sucks. But then again, you kept shooting me, so you kinda deserved it. That's karma for you.
SA: Man, you're a dick.

"The fuck did I buy a Mazda? Goddamn Mazdas." -Dewmann

You Cactus Bastard! You were behind all of this! What are you planning to do? Why are you selling Ice Cream, Ruler of the Universe?

I'll swoop into that supermarket like a hawk, and then swoop out of that supermarket like a hawk who is carrying milk!

-Katamari webcomic

"For mine own good/ All causes shall give way. I am in blood/ Stepped in so far that should I wade no more,/ Returning were as tedious as to go o'er."
I love Macbeth.

"And there's a tap on my knee/ bring up your seat back please, she says/ but I know she means
if you feel like dancing/ dance with me"

In fact, every lyric of this song.

"smoking weed can have dangerous side effects, such as never shutting the fuck up about smoking weed"

jesus christ
look at tobey there on the left
smiling about weed quotes

fuck you tobey

Sasha, are you high right now? [ ]

Has he ever been not high?

Sasha is Weedmaster P.

'So I've been thinking: we need humans for these tests. And since the only human within a thousand miles is a test-ruining sociopath, I'll just have to make some. I know how humans make more humans and, frankly, it's ridiculous. It also assumes you have a human which I hope someone got fired over.'

-Portal 2

"If you have nine and a half gallons of ice cream and you mix in a half gallon of shit, you get ten gallons of shit."

"You are a small organism living a universe that is slowly spreading into nothing. When you realize that, it's easy to match stripes with plaid."

"Greek goodbyes are as long as their mythology."

I don't know if I've quoted this one in here before, chances are I probably have, but I saw it quoted in a book a long time ago (The Know-It-All by A.J. Jacobs, it's really good) and I found it again and I really like it.

"But we were born of risen apes, not fallen angels, and the apes were armed killers besides. And so what shall we wonder at? Our murders and massacres and missiles, and our irreconcilable regiments? Or our treaties whatever they may be worth; our symphonies however seldom they may be played; our peaceful acres, however frequently they may be converted into battlefields; our dreams however rarely they may be accomplished. The miracle of man is not how far he has sunk but how magnificently he has risen. We are known among the stars by our poems, not our corpses." - Robert Ardrey