TTBM #4? 5? I don't even-

Thanks Ziggy but [ARROGANCE] If I could manage a 5 for APUSH, then a 5 for AP Psych should be a piece of cake.[/ARROGANCE]

Oh wow! [Feigned admiration]I only hope I can do as well as you did on my APUSH test in a month or so.[/Feigned admiration]. Although [smug superiority]I will probably have to study more for my AP Chemistry exam, as it is very difficult[/smug superiority].
[/can we stop using these brackets the subtext hurts too much]

[Poorly hidden reluctance] Why yes, we can halt usage of the brackets. Anything that will keep me from being distracted studying for my AP Microeconomics exam and my AP Macroeconomics exam [/Poorly hidden reluctance]

Okay I'm done with the brackets for real this time.

Seriously I am going to go mad from all these tests I must take.

What's all this bracket? []

TTBM: Dad's been in an on and off foul mood for the past three days. Right now he's loudly declaring about how Kyukido is a waste of his time and how he's gonna quit.

Which is, I suppose an improvement from Monday, when he got drunk called mom a whore several times, and closed an argument with her by saying "If I could kill you right now and get away with it, I would."

I don't even know your dad but he pisses me off. I'd get so tired of his constant bullshit. I'm actually surprised a neighbor hasn't heard him rampaging yet.

TTBM: I hate my life and I always did. I keep trying to run away from my inner feeling toward others because I don't want to hurt them. All I want, in the deepest part of my heart, is to destroy everything, create desolation and misery everywhere so I can finally stop worrying about the world. I hate mankind kind and I am a spychopath, I admit it and assume it but sometimes it's hard to keep it down. I try to fill the emptyness that it create with laugh, lots of laugh. It's working but like summer, it doesn't last forever. So I keep trying to make people laugh so I can feel better but while doing this I am hiding my true self from everyone else. All they know about me is that I am a crazy guy that does weird things but inside I'm a freaking demon. When I dream, I'm never the hero, just the vilain. And I always win. Sometime I just want everything to end. Not by myself cuz I know I'll never be able to do it. So yeah... I'm freakin' depressed right now...

We're all here for you, dude. Just hang strong and we'll all face this shitty life together

AwesomeDeoxys wrote:TTBM: I hate my life and I always did. I keep trying to run away from my inner feeling toward others because I don't want to hurt them. All I want, in the deepest part of my heart, is to destroy everything, create desolation and misery everywhere so I can finally stop worrying about the world. I hate mankind kind and I am a spychopath, I admit it and assume it but sometimes it's hard to keep it down. I try to fill the emptyness that it create with laugh, lots of laugh. It's working but like summer, it doesn't last forever. So I keep trying to make people laugh so I can feel better but while doing this I am hiding my true self from everyone else. All they know about me is that I am a crazy guy that does weird things but inside I'm a freaking demon. When I dream, I'm never the hero, just the vilain. And I always win. Sometime I just want everything to end. Not by myself cuz I know I'll never be able to do it. So yeah... I'm freakin' depressed right now...

Wow dude. That took a lot of guts to admit. Can I share something as well? For the first maybe fifteen years of my life (I don't know when this started) I never really cared how I looked or dressed - I went through a deep depression that made me not care one way or another. I also hated my life.

Depression and abuse (physical and mental) from schoolmates and teachers made me extremely antisocial and my homelife was nothing better, so I do believe I am somewhat socially stunted - another thing that made me not even bother with myself.

So I never dressed 'female' or 'pretty' unless it just happened to be the kind of clothes that I grabbed before heading out the door. And I realized a few months ago that I never really saw myself as female either. More gender neutral. Growing up I had mostly guy friends and Taco (who is the most tomboy), so acting and dressing kinda guyish was comfortable for me. The only time I ever felt like my gender was when I was married and dolled up for the occasion.

I have a strong facial structure (I look A LOT like my dad), so looking like a pretty girl takes a lot of time and effort and emotional toll. Being socially stunted, I have very little clue how to dress myself 'femininely'. There are other factors here too, it's not just vanity, it's just really hard to explain. So I sometimes break down and think, 'my life would be easier and simpler if I were just born male. Things would make more sense to me.' But I don't think I'm transgendered or anything. I'm just having a hard time forming my identity. Sometimes I just want to give up on everything.

I guess the real main problem with me is, it's just really difficult to see myself as this person who is pretty underneath because I just simply didn't care at all. I feel as if early depression and abuse took a lot of my selfworth away and I'm JUST NOW trying to find my identity. It's harder and more emotional to me than people think. And I find dressing and acting girly is really nice, like a new life I never discovered until now. It's just really hard to break away from past experiences and molds that shape you. It's hard to break away from the beatings and the suicide attempts and the days spent alone in the dark watching the world go by. I want to care about myself now. I want to feel like myself now. It's just so very hard.

So I guess in other words, I know what it's like to feel out of place in your own skin. I will try my hardest to feel like the beautiful woman I now want to be, and you can try your hardest to overcome these sociopathic urges, and if you want we can work at our goals together and maybe it will be easier that way. My PM is always open if you want to talk, and so is my facebook and I can get instant messaging if you want.

I don't think I ever fully admitted that to anyone before. It feels nice to kinda get it out. I think everyone has their dark secrets that eat them up inside but we have this forum where we've become this non-judging family, a bunch of misfits with their own stories to tell and journeys to overcome and I think you admitting how you feel means you aren't to far gone. True sociopaths don't care that they are sociopaths - that's what makes them sociopaths. I think you admitting all that means you aren't as bad off as you think, and you have several people here who will be with you and help you should you EVER need it. At least, I will be here for you. We all need someone to lean on sometimes right?

I must admit that I just got some small tears. Thanks Rare.

Yeah, we all have our uncomfortable things hidden in our psyches. Because I grew up without a father, I think I'm constantly looking for father-figures in those with whom I interact. My boss, my karate instructor, my pastors...I've never felt that I lacked anything because I was always able to find someone who I could look up to like that.

...that said, I had the strangest dream last night where I was getting a back massage from John Travolta, and apparently it tied into that somehow...I have no clue whatsoever. []

TTBM: A member of the Foundation left recently.
They were always helpful and I would count them as a friend, but so many people conflicted with them.
I don't know if they're coming back.
I don't know if I'll speak with them again.
They seem to feel as if they've been driven out, and it sucks.
It sucks for them and we've lost a very valuable member and I just augh... feels.

TTBM: Motherfucker tried to explain to me that having to wait two years before I can go to college will actually be a good thing for me. (It's a student finance issue.)
Wouldn't shut up when I told him to.
Want to kill him.

Seriously, being 23 confers absolutely no advantage over being 21.
Absolutely none.
"BUT YOU'LL BE SMARTER"
Not to toot my own horn, but I'm already pretty damn intelligent. Two years OUT of education - and likely still out of a job - isn't going to make me smarter. Two years out of any sort of enforced routine is just going to make me lazier.

"BUT I FIGURED A LOT OF THINGS OUT SINCE I WAS 21 WHILE I WAS DOING NOTHING MUCH"
Oh, hey, a guy whose life experience IS COMPLETELY FUCKING DIFFERENT FROM MINE was helped by spending two years doing COMPLETELY FUCKING DIFFERENT THINGS THAN I AM DOING.
I didn't drop out of college because "lol, whatever."
I didn't have a job waiting for me.
I didn't quit a job because "lol, whatever."
I didn't spend my entire fucking time up until now getting high.

I'm going to end up punching this fucking guy.

I AM JUST GETTING ANGRIER
WHY IS IT ILLEGAL TO PUNCH A GODDAMN ASSHOLE IDIOT MOTHERFUCKER BUT NOT ILLEGAL TO BE A GODDAMN ASSHOLE IDIOT MOTHERFUCKER?

Bioshock Infinite was kind of underwhelming on its first playthrough. I'll post my thoughts on it later.

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