Bad Jokes!

Post your silly, obvious, bad jokes here. If they're dirty/sick, perhaps we should spoiler them and say what they are.

Okay, I'll start with one of my own devising.

What do musicians cut vegetables on?

A Chopin board!

What is Beethoven's favorite fruit?

BANANANAAAAA! BANANANAAAAA!

Why don't they let dinosaurs have driver's licenses?

Because Tyrannosaurus wrecks. []

A farmer comes upon two snails who've eaten all his crops, and he asks them, "Why did you do such a thing?" To which the snails reply, "Because they lettuce!"

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.

What do you call a black guy flying a plane?

Spoiler:

(don't read if you can't take a joke about anuimal cruelty (and REALLY DON'T TRY AT HOME!!))

How can you make a cat bark?

Spoiler:

And how can you make a dog meow?

Spoiler:

(I got these from my dad)

some more (and not so evil this time)

why does an idiot always have a knife in his/her car?

Spoiler:

and why does he/she have old newspapers in his/her car?

Spoiler:

(it's PUN time!)

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned, couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I realized I wasn't patient enough.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

What do you call a stupid french cow? Moutarde. []

Horrible joke:

When I was 9 an living in Russia, I was at a friends house and he and his dad wanted to show me this really cool thing they found. It was some sort of parachute attached to something. I didn't really know what they were trying to show me until a bright flash of light and me being thrown on the floor away from them and getting up to see my friend's dad without arms and my friend bleeding like crazy. They had gone out to an old battlefield and dug up a bomb. Nothing I could do except watch in terror. Anyway, people do crazy shit and just because you happen to be there, doesn't mean you can save them from themselves.

Spoiler:

Q: What do you get when you throw a grenade into a French kitchen?

....



A: Linoleum Blown-apart. []

Why was the calendar always afraid?

Spoiler:

War dosen't determine who is right, just who is left.

An atom walks into a bar, and asks the bartender how much for a beer. He replied, for you? No charge!

Two atoms were walking down the street. One atom says to the other one, “Oh no! I’ve lost an electron! The 2nd atom replies, “Are you sure?” Says the 1st atom, “I’m positive!"

Spoiler:

I once visited a crematorium where they gave discounts to burn victims.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and asks "Does this taste funny to you?"

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

It's common knowledge that irradiated cats have 18 half-lives.

Oh Wadsworth...

Hey, I heard that guy on NPR! I like him.

Dear God, what have I unleashed on this forum? Do I use my Mod powers for good...or evil?

Chaotic Neutral?

Why did Pac-Man cross the maze? To get to the same side!

"I tell ya, didn't know you'd need a college degree just to play this fighting game! It's just too tekken-ical for me..." []

Hey, guys, I had this great boomerang joke that I wanted to tell you. But I completely forgot the punchline.

Don't worry, though, it'll come back to me.

@Fallout 3 jokes a page back: <3
@Someguy: *facepalm*

What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
...
Popeye punched him right in the eye!

@ JT - Boo! Hiss! Get off the stage!

Hey, did you know anything in java is just such a security risk?

It leaves everything a .jar!